My thoughts.
I’m back.
It honestly felt so good just to brain dump all of my health journey. I know that there is much more to the story and I know it’ll come out with time, but just to get the initial thoughts out there is amazing.
I can’t help but feel, now that the shell of my journey has been shared what is next.
I think I’ll talk about the reason behind all of the nature pictures that I am posting.
I have always enjoyed nature and being surrounded by the natural beauty of the world. It’s so amazing how each part of the world is different but can still elicit those same feelings of calm just by sitting and looking.
Just like music, when I look at a certain nature picture I have taken, it takes me right back to that moment. I can feel myself there and feel exactly how I felt in the moment and why I took the picture.
The picture I shared for this post is from the northwoods of Wisconsin. I had an internship up there during the summer / fall after I graduated undergrad. And I remember feeling scared about this new adventure and thinking what the hell did I get myself into. What was I doing. It took me a little while to adjust to the change of being surrounded by people in college to living in a remote location. Even though I was living with the other intern gals, who were wonderful, I just felt so alone. And so lost. What was I doing with my life.
I then started to find places in this small town that I could retreat to and make my own. Places where I could sit in nature and just be. And relax. And think about life.
One day, I had decided to visit this spot I was told about near a lake. I remember, I turned on to the road and literally just stopped driving. The trees had naturally just lined the road and made me feel like I was in another world. I felt safe and happy. I marveled at the way that the road seemed to just go straight into nature.
I drove to the end of the road which sat on a lake and I think I sat there alone for about an hour. Just letting nature calm me down and take me in.
I made it a point to go to this road whenever I could and immediately felt calm and relaxed the moment I started driving down the road.
Something I don’t think a lot of people know about me, is that I find places like this everywhere I live. I make it a point to find a spot in nature within driving distance and go there when I need a break. When I need to reconnect with nature and calm down.
I think something about writing this and where I am at physically today makes me kind of sad. I miss the freedom of being able to be independent and drive when I need to drive and go to locations alone to think.
I am in no way, shape, or form dying (at least to my knowledge) and could probably figure out a way to make this happen. However, I struggle so intensely with fatigue and dizziness and often times confusion, that I feel scared to drive myself.
I miss the independence of being my own human and being able to be free and wild in the world.
I was never meant to be tied down for long. Even though I know I have calmed down from the wild thing that I used to be in my youth, I still have this fire and desire inside of me. To adventure and see new places and to marvel at the world.
I know this entry is a bit all over the place… but I sit and watch Kara and Nate or Sailing La Vagabond and marvel at the freedom of their lives and the wonderful adventures that they go on. I want that.
What I tell myself now is that I would settle for just feeling well enough to go out and hang out with friends or go out to eat, but my what my soul really craves is to explore and see as much of the world as I can.
It makes me angry, which is something I am working on, to see people take for granted their good health. People complain about the most trivial of things and I know to them it may seem like a big deal, but you never know how good you have it until your health falters.
When my grandma was diagnosed with cancer in her later 50s, her and my grandpa decided to see the world. They traveled from country to country and were able to marvel at the beautiful people and nature they saw.