Weekly health update.
Alright. So this week Monday I picked up a sleep apnea test that I completed Monday night and then returned the equipment Tuesday morning. The whole process was not bad other than I didn’t sleep very well while wearing the device on Monday night. I don’t think I have sleep apnea, but my PCP wanted me to get that checked out just in case so I did. However, in the middle of the night I did wake up feeling like I was choking, I think mostly due to the fact that I had to wear a tube taped to my face that stuck into my nostrils and I think that freaked out my sleeping self.
I do however, have some bad news about the diarrhea. She’s back. It started a little bit last week and then has been happening basically every morning, which is how it was back before I took Xifixan for SIBO. So I called my gastroenterologist, who I feel like is finally on my side and trying to help me, and she prescribed me another round of Xifixan thank goodness. Although, now I just need to wait for (1) the pharmacy to get the medication in and then (2) for my insurance to approve this medication (otherwise it’s around $2,000).
Don’t even get me started on insurance. I hate insurance companies. It’s like they don’t actually care about the person and don’t care how much stress and anxiety they cause. I have spent literal days from 8am to 5pm on the phone battling with insurance companies so that I can get certain procedures done. It’s probably honestly my least favorite part of all of this. One week I promise to do a whole how to on working through the bullshit that the insurance companies put people through. One time the insurance company called and asked if I wanted a patient case manager to help me with my case (basically someone who “looks” out for you and helps you) but then I told the people, in a bit of an angry voice, that I was my own case manager. I have had to put so much work into getting appointments, scheduling procedures, and preparing for doctors, at this point I am my own best advocate and know what I need more than anyone else. It’s exhausting, don’t get me wrong, there are some days where I can barely pick up a phone or even think about going to the doctor because I’m just so tired of this. But, with the help of my mom and therapist, I pick myself up and continue on this journey.
Okay, I know that was a tangent, but it needed to be said.
Today, I saw a dermatologist, because I have a small little wart on the heel of my foot and decided to ask about a few other skin things. Which I ended up finding out that I have a cherry angioma, basically a small little red spot that is genetic. And also that I have hyperpigmentation from eczema on my leg which sort of looks like a really big birthmark but continues to slowly grow over time. Both can be fairly easily taken care of, some positive news, and so I’ll probably get those addressed at my next dermatologist visit since I’m going to be here for a little while.
Yes. I have finally come to the conclusion and radical acceptance (as my therapist calls it) that I am going to be here for awhile. I have moved in with my parents and am back in the city that I grew up in. I do feel some happiness and calmness now that I have accepted that this is probably where I’ll be for the next year. I’ve already been here for about 7 months and it’s been a transition that I’ve been internally fighting for awhile now, but like I said in my first entry, I do feel happy and I’m finally getting all of the medical needs that I’ve been putting off for years addressed, which feels good. I don’t know where I’ll be a year from now, but I am just going to take this journey one day at a time and know that I am proud of myself no matter what.
But… I am exhausted. My days consist of wake up, eat, work, insurance companies, eat, work, doctors visits, eat, scheduling appointments, yoga, sleep, then repeat the next day. Throw in other life complications with not feeling well most of the time and I barely have the energy to focus on anything else. I miss doing fun things like concerts and going out to eat and hanging out with friends… but to be honest? I don’t have the mental or physical capacity to do anything of those right now. I know this sounds depressing, but I do remind myself that this is only a season in life and I have hope that once it’s over, I’ll be able to get back to doing the things that make my soul come alive.
I’m saying this (1) to just share with the people (whoever does read this) how I feel and (2) to say sorry to anyone who has been left on the wayside, I don’t mean to ignore or not be there, but I just can’t right now. Not during this season.
(Picture is from Seven Falls, Tucson, Arizona.)