Weekly Health update.
So I am back.
I know my posts have not always been well written or maybe even make full sense all of the time, but it feels good to me to get them out there and written. It’s like an end of the week brain dump and I have record of what has happened during the week because so much has happened in the past 9 months that I need to keep track of everything.
I will say, you can tell when I’m feeling okay and when I am not based upon the quality of the post. Like last week, NOT feeling well and the post was not great. Today, I’m feeling a bit better and I feel like this post is more well written and makes sense.
It’s crazy to me and also really frustrating because I know I am an intelligent person, but when I am not feeling well and therefore having some pretty extreme brain fog, my brain just doesn’t work. Like it cannot comprehend things and also doesn’t have tolerance for people. I know people aren’t always feeling 100% all of the time, but I’m like they have to feel better than how I feel most of the time. Ugh. Just another part of this hard journey that I am going through.
So this past week, like I said in my previous post, I got my period. And let me tell you. Monday I was in some of the worst pain that I have ever experienced. It’s like someone had my intestines / uterus / ovaries in theirs hands and was just squeezing them and then twisting at the same time. At one point, I remember sitting up and the pain was so sharp I started to see black dots in my vision. Yes, I did momentarily consider going to the hospital but I feel like I’ve visited the hospital enough to know that they really don’t do much to help and would probably just refer me to see my OBGYN. Which I do plan to reach out to them this next week.
So, on top of the pain, I also continued to feel like I was getting the flu. I was dizzy, fatigued, headaches, feverish, chills, nausea, congestion, etc. I looked up something called period flu and like maybe I have that? Maybe I have endometriosis? Idk. I could speculate all day and that has never done me any good in this journey. I’m usually wrong and just end up getting my hopes up for something that isn’t true.
That is what happened when I visited the endocrinologist. I felt like finally someone was listening to me and told me it could be a few different things, only to drop me and say that nothing is wrong. That I should consider seeing a dietician. I remember after that appointment I felt the most depressed I have felt so far along this journey. My thoughts became really dark. I remember just crying and crying and feeling so lost, like what to do next. What was the next move. Even though I had a rock bottom I didn’t know existed, that was the moment when I decided to reach out to the Cleveland Clinic and the Mayo Clinic. The Mayo Clinic ended up denying me, which I can always reapply to be seen there again, but the Cleveland Clinic got me right in to start my journey. I had a virtual appointment with an internal medicine doctor and then from there the doctor recommended me to see three different types of physicians for when I go there in September. I finally felt like I had hope again. I had something to look forward to and someone to help me.
This honestly was such a turning point for me because I had been seeing doctors for months, getting my hopes up each time, and then getting crushed. And after this point, I decided to just not expect anything. To be my own advocate and come up with a game plan. I would start to see multiple doctors and starting getting all of the tests that I can before Cleveland to show them that I’ve put in the work to figure this out and show them that I was serious. I know something is wrong and if effects my daily life.
Today, I woke up and ate my breakfast as usual. Then went outside to help my dad take down a branch in the backyard. I started to feel pretty lightheaded and dizzy outside. And then I started to get kind of shaky and feel out of it. I then came inside and went to the bathroom where my vision started to black out and my heart rate shot up to 116 bpm. Then I grabbed a snack (apples and peanut butter) and some water and sat down and ate. I very slowly started to feel better but it’s just honestly really scary to experience this and really annoying. I love to do manual labor and it’s such a nice day outside, but my body just cannot handle it. I then started to cry and cry. I cried for the person that I wish I could be and for how many times a day and week that this happens to me. I get scared all of the time that I’ll just pass out and get another concussion again. That maybe I’ll have a seizure because for some reason my blood sugar drops drastically. I don’t want to die. I feel like I have so much more to give and so much more life to live.
Honestly, my soul tells me that I won’t die, that this journey will get figured out. That even though I probably have a chronic illness or two, that I’ll figure out how to help them and my quality of life will improve. That I’ll be able to travel again and hang out with friends and meet someone. I have so many goals, big and small that I still want to experience. I just need someone to help me figure out what is going on with my body. Why things aren’t working properly. I just need some help.
This week I was hoping to go to a doctor who would potentially be able to tell me if I have a hole in my ear canal; however, I felt so horrible and nauseous that I had to move that appointment. Honestly, it kills me every time I have to cancel or move an appointment. I feel such intense shame and guilt and anger at why can’t my body just pull it together, it’s so frustrating. But luckily, I was able to reschedule it for like 2 weeks away so not bad.
This next week, I do have some more appointments and will fill you all in next Friday or Saturday. I finally have a test that I’ve been looking forward to for months now but again I don’t want to get my hopes up and I’m pretty nervous, so I’ll just save the details for later.
Wish me luck this next week.
(Picture from Tucson, AZ, USA.)