Weekly health update.
So… here is the update.
Well this week, basically nothing has changed since the last time I wrote my blog. I was supposed to get an ultrasound on Friday of my abdominal arteries and veins to see if I have any vascular compression. However, I was not allowed to eat or drink before the test and that morning I was feeling hypoglycemic, so I had one very small sip of apple juice and when I told the nurse that I had done that (in order to survive) she told me that I wasn’t allowed to do that. That even that one sip of juice will compromise the test. So I left there and had to reschedule and I was pretty pissed off. Usually when they say that, it’s okay if you have like one or two sips of stuff but apparently not for this one.
It just sucks because I wait weeks and weeks to get testing done and then to have it fall through… it feels like a literal punch to my gut. I just feel so down because it’s like alright, let’s just continue to wait and wait and wait and wait for answers on this long ass journey. I’m tired and don’t feel well.
I try to stay positive and just block out the noise, but it’s hard when everyone else seems to be just living it up and I’m stuck in time. I honestly sometimes wish I could just pause time while this is happening and then restart it when I’m at least a little bit better and then I won’t miss anything. Unfortunately, that it not how life works and I am missing a lot.
I know when this is all done that I will have a new perspective on life, but it’s hard to see through the clouds to that other side at this time.
My therapist and I have an analogy of what it feels like to be me right now. Okay, here it goes:
So, I am currently down in the swamp. I am slowly but surely getting through, but it’s tough. It’s hot and sweaty and itchy and really uncomfortable. I take one step forwards only to have to take 3 steps back sometimes to go around a bit rut. Although it sounds like a miserable experience, which it is, I am a very strong, resilient person and I know in my heart of hearts that I can get through it. I know that I am tough enough to make it through this and get to the other side. However, in this long swamp-land that I am in, there is a bridge. And on that bridge are all of the friends and family that don’t know what it’s like to suffer like this and who are out there living their best life. They walk by and see me down here and try to help, but there are no ladders, nothing they can do to help. They might stay awhile and try their best to help, but I know at the end of the day it’s a waste of time. I have no choice but to walk through this swamp. So what I do is I put my blinders on and tell them to keep going, I’ll eventually see them on the other side. It’s really tough and it kills me, but it kills me more to have to see them up there doing just fine. It constantly reminds me of the situation that I am living in and that is what hurts my soul. I am happy for them and would never wish them to join me down in the swamp-lands, but I just can’t be involved in their lives right now.
This is what it’s like for me. And I do feel bad about the people I’ve had to let keep walking on the path, I love them and I know deep down they love me, but our paths just don’t align right now and that’s okay.
Now this might sound like wow Kylie, you’ve really got your shit figured out. No. I don’t. I just have one really good analogy that fits with my life right now and it’s taken me a ton of time be okay with it. I have cried and yelled and cried some more about everything that is going on. I’ve had days where I’ve just felt numb. Where I don’t feel a single thing. It’s just what you have to do in order to get through life when stuff like this happens. You just have to take it day by day and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I do know at the end of this, I will have gratitude for life like I’ve never had before and that I will have an outlook on life that others will not understand unless they’ve been through something like this. That day will come and I don’t know what I’ll do with this blog, but I will forever keep it as a reminder of what I went through. Also if any asks me, hey what was it like to go through that, I’ll show them this diary and they can have a little peek into my mind and thoughts during this time.
Until then, I hope that anyone who does read this, can just realize how good they do have it. Health is wealth. And if you are suffering like me, just know you aren’t alone. I’m also trying to make it through this swamp-land and I’m here for you. I will hold your hand during the hard days and cheer for you when we make it to the other side.
(Picture if from Sunset Cliffs, San Diego, CA, USA.)