Health and wellness update.
Wow. That’s literally all I have to say.
These past few weeks since I wrote, I’ve gone to the hospital twice and just have been barely able to get out of bed.
I just have no words.
This is just the hardest thing and I don’t understand what and why this is happening. I feel like that’s the real hard hitter that is super hard. It’s like this health journey starts to get personal. Like what did I do in my life to deserve this? And logically I know that bad things just happen to good and bad people, it’s hard not to get into your head in these situations.
Like I know I haven’t been an angel, I’ve been mean and cruel to people. I know that I’ve stolen and swore and broken the rules. I know that I have work that I can do on myself. But sitting here in my room, I start to think, are all of those things I’ve done why I am so sick in this situation? Am I being punished for something that I’ve done? If so, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry if I’ve ever hurt you or never addressed something. I’m sorry.
I know logically that all of that is not true, but it’s hard to control the mind sometimes when your body is in so much pain and suffering.
I know that I am a strong person and that I am super resilient, but this is tough and tests me sometimes.
I feel so scared and afraid of what the next day, hour, or minute is going to look like and I know this anxiety is not helping but I’m just so confused why this is happening?
I mean I’ve always been a sickly person and now I’m just kicking myself for not doing something about it sooner.
I have this internal battle, you could also call it a dialogue maybe, of saying what the hell were you thinking? Why didn’t you seek out help much sooner for these issues? But then the other part of me says, these issues were unavoidable and would’ve ended up here anyways. It’s like I’m trying to blame myself but then also make myself feel better. I would say the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Just as with any two sided story.
I know I usually give a day by day update and don’t give much more information, but this time, I just needed to vent about my thoughts and feelings.
It’s just so rough and I know again logically it will get better and I’ve done a lot of action steps to get there but living through it day by day is incredibly rough.
I hope and pray that at least some answers come sooner rather than later. For the sake of myself and for my family who is also on this journey with me.
(Picture is from Mukwonago, WI, USA.)